i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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