She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
