I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
