i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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