made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
