Can i not drive my cunt home
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
