Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
