Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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