so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am one with the molecules
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize