it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
