Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
