You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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