Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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