I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
