It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
