We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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