How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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