i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
