i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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