i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
