He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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