I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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