nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
