Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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