I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
