i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
