My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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