I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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