Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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