so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
