Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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