Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
