my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
