she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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