Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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