why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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