that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize