Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
