you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
