you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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