On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
