I can tuck mytits in my pants
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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