apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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