LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
