Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
