perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
