Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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