I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize