We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
