I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
