the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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