when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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