I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
