I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
