Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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