Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
