Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
