next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
