omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
