i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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