He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
