Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
