Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
