so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
