dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
